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07:02am 20/09/2012
  I'm fairly certain I was 15 in my profile picture... I'm 27 now.

I've fought like hell, and things are lovely.

I sit here listening to As I Lay Dying, Suicide Silence, and All Shall Perish; I dropped Gary (nearly 3 years now...) off at work at 4:55am and am waiting to head to Reno to pick my mother up from the airport. I'm excited to see her, excited to show off Tahoe and the life I've built here. I want to take her hiking and exploring, and show her off around the Resort where I am F&B Outlet Supervisor.

I have found memories of the years I spent in Maine and then New Hampshire. I miss my friends there, I miss the metal scene (heh).

I'll be back to visit from time to time.


<3
 
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Tahoe!   
12:53pm 28/11/2011
  Resigned from my position as Captain, sold my Audi, drove 3,026 miles across the Country to Lake Tahoe. I am now a professional ski photographer. Who would have thought? ;]





(Thank you!)
 
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Oooooh.....   
11:32am 03/12/2009
  I'm still alive.


Amazing,


:]
 
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Last updated: 214 weeks ago.   
01:54am 31/03/2008
  How much things can change...
I've been having one of the best years of my life: I've been working like mad tending bar & waiting tables, and skiing every spare second, and the rest of my time is spent with the incredible people I'm fortunate enough to call my crew. :D

And now, nearing my third week in the hospital, I'm still managing to stand placing this utopia on hold:
I've been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, and I'm not responding to treatement.



Lovely.

It's all to be taken in stride - I spent the first two and a half weeks and Memorial Hospital, and they just couldn't quite get in together. The individual Drs, nurses, and nutritionist must be very capable people; but there was no direction, no leader, no one who really had a clue as to what to do when I just wouldn't improve. So I languished until we were face with an ultimatum: the option of staying at Memorial and submitting to surgery there, or transferring to Portland to attempt a "rescue" therapy before cutting me open.
And here I sit. More x-rays and tests have been completed, but I don't yet know the results. But I now have a Doctor and a specialist, and quite a bit more confidence in the actions and choices carried out and presented to me. I'm going to require a T pack (I believe it's called?) - basically a connection in to my system to deliver nuitrients, take blood, and access whatever they need, with out poking dozens more holes in my bruised-all-to-shit-arms. I look like a junky, but I will recover. But I'm not sure when.




This is all so strange.

:\
 
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09:51am 19/02/2004
 

I still don't understand how a seemlingly 'loving' family could just bail like that.

I miss having a family.

 

But I don't miss them.

 
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07:20am 06/01/2004
  It's been a long, long time.  
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06:20am 16/11/2003
 
mood: content

The sun is coming up.
 
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WHAT? ME!!???!   
01:47am 20/08/2003
  <td bgcolor="#000000">Your LJ username</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your real name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your sex</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your last words will be...</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">"LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED" </td></tr>
What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch
Created with quill18's MemeGen!
 
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01:29pm 06/06/2003
  I miss writing here. No one reads it, and that's ok. Maybe it's for the best.  
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I'm still alive....   
12:26pm 15/05/2003
   
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10:18am 06/02/2003
  Just trying to keep this thing alive.
I wish I could write in it more, but eyes are watching.
For now, we'll see.

:D
 
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10:21pm 03/10/2002
 
What box do you get put in?

brought to you by Quizilla
 
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8 days and counting every lacking second....   
09:13am 27/03/2002
 
mood: melancholy


China. 8 days. I need that escape for everything in me. I need that challenge of sorts.




Things are in a balance at my current time; nothing to happy and joyous, nothing to dramatic and sad. Im just here. Im also capatalizing for once....

how does it feel?

Im learing to value these times. I know in the future i will look back on this year and realize what oppertunity and joy i had, yet also take into account how difficult it was. I am growing inside, and indeed the pain of change is there.

I have almost always felt alone. There has been one exception, but that is lightyears away now. Yet now i realize that im not alone. No matter the seclusion my heart tries to find, it is braced in by the love those around me give. For that i am ever thankful.

i changed my info. i need to get more time on line so that i can make this a little more interesting and get my site working again. but it wont be any time soon, i can almost assure you of that.

is it ok to be secure in yourself?



ilasli
 
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wait....   
08:55am 25/03/2002
 
im so wrong. truely. give me some more time to think.
 
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No Blame   
08:52am 25/03/2002
 



I don�t wanna talk to you anymore
I�m afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground
Hand over my heart I swear,
I�ve tried everything I could within all my power
2 weeks and 1 hour
I slaved and now I�ve got nothing to show
Oh if only you�ve grown taller than a brick wall
>From now on
Gonna start holding my breath
When you
Come around and you flex that fake grin
Cause something inside me has said more than twice
That breathing this air
Beats breathing you at all
I don�t wanna talk to you anymore
I�m afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground
Hand over my mouth
I�m earning the right to my silence
In quiet discerning between ego and timing
Good judgment is once again proving to me
That it�s still worth its weight in gold
>From now on I�m gonna be so much more weary
When you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil
Seeing you is like pulling teeth
And hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil
I don�t wanna talk to you anymore
I�m afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground
I�m fast to a better judgment
By saying less today
I will gain more, gain more
No tears to you my, my fickle friend
You, you brought the art of silent war
I don�t wanna talk to you anymore
I�m afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood off the ground


 
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08:12am 25/03/2002
  sometimes its best just to let go. if i truely find anything difficult, its just that; letting go. but im learning. i dont regret anything too much. i just have to take it like it is and learn from it.

today i have cisco and physics. cisco-shmisco. heehee. im behind in my tests but i have a lack of caring. it will be easy enough to make up...eventualy. hopefully i will done with ch5 before the quarter is over nexyt week. that means three tests in two weeks. i can pull it off.

after school today im going over to marcus's house with marcus and aaron to watch The One. should be fun. i like aaron. hes not fake. i think that the best thing that came out of my relationship with brandon was meeting him. isnt that wrong? maybe i would say otherwise if brandon didnt take offence when i try to talk to him. ive never had to deal with this before. i say "im going to stop talking through other people, and i think for that to work you should do the same" *ooo bold statement i know* he gets angry and starts insulting me, even about the money in my family. fucker. yea, i should have said what i really felt, but would that have resolved anything? no. but telling him to chill and apologizing didnt do shit either. i fucking give it up. ive put all i should and more into ridding us of malice and resentment (he says he carries none, yet insults me and gets angry at the drop of a hat) and i am met with nothing but resistance at every turn. im done. if he wants to let it go and be a part of my life, then he should give me a call when he gets over it and grows up. till then, maybe he should just keep the fuck out of my life.


there im done. as much as i would like to pursue goodness, this is niether the time, place, or person. fuck, i do miss having fun with him though. even before we started dating. but i guess whats lost can never be saved.

yea and shit i know im missing something. i fucking know it.

!@#$%^&*()


I am bottled fizzy water
And you were shaking me up
You are a fingernail running
Down the chalkboard I thought I left in third grade
Now my only consolation
Is that this could not last forever
Even though you're singing and thinking how well you've got it made

Who are you?
And will you be through
Yeah, it's just a phase
It will be over soon
Yeah, it's just a phase
Yeah, it's just a...phase

Call it women's intuition
But I think I'm on to something here
Temporaryism has been the bad thing
And the Jesus of our age
I know that I sound opinionated
Maybe biased and quite possibly jaded
But sooner than later they'll be throwing quarters at you on the stage

Who are you?
And will you be through
Yeah, it's just a phase
It will be over soon
Yeah, it's just a phase
Yeah, it's just a...phase

And I am waiting for it to be over too

!@#$%^&*()





ilasli
 
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come down, get off your fucking cross   
11:08pm 24/03/2002
 
mood: exhausted




please. spare me the drama. say the truth. it isnt the end of the world. yet i can feel your pain, but i dont understand.

oh well.



i talked to chris. i miss him like no fucking other lately. just cause around this time last year...

but that is another story. which i cant find cause i fucking lost my scribble.nu disk. ill keep looking. thats too much just to loose.

its late. if i get caught im fucked. but im talking to brandon (hence the above), and i dont want to leave anything unresolved. but its a little difficult when it seems like only one of you is willing. oh well. im fucking tired and i need to stop typing before my keybored wakes me parents up.



ilasli
 
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11:37pm 23/03/2002
  its late. im tired. i got a prom dress. the first one i tried on. my brother is here. yay! but i need to let them get some sleep...

tada!
ilasli
 
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10:20pm 22/03/2002
  went up to portland today with marcus and rick. did some shoping. saw some people. i like being with them, not quite as stressful as some of those i associate with. im a very lucky girl to have the friends i do. came home. my sister and i are getting along suprisingly well. i think we just needed to give eachother a chance.

tomorrow i go prom dress shoping.



i'm not in love
so don't forget it
it's just a silly phase
i'm going through
and just because
i call you up
don't get me wrong
don't think you got it made
i'm not in love, no
it's because...

i said
i'd like to see you
but then again
that doesn't mean you mean that much to me
so if i call you
don't make a fuss
don't tell your friends about the two of us
i'm not in love, no
it's because...

i keep your picture
upon the wall
it hides a nasty stain
still lying there
it hides a nasty stain
still lying there

i keep your picture
upon the wall
it hides a nasty stain
still lying there
it hides a nasty stain
still lying there

so don't you ask me
to give it back
i know you know it doesn't mean that much to me
i'm not in love, mmnhmmm
it's because...

ooh you'll wait a long time for me
ooh you'll wait a long time....
ooh you'll wait a long time for me
heeee, you'll wait a long time

i'm not in love
so don't forget it
it's just a silly phase
i'm going through
and just because
i call you up
don't get me wrong
don't think you got it made
i'm not in love
i'm not in love




ilasli
 
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07:58am 20/03/2002
  yay! cisco and im about to go do some router stuff. yea, should be fun. its hard. ive been missing chris. it was this time last year and he and i started to get to know eachother. i wish i could find my old journal entries. there is a block missing from here, all of that was the time i spent with chris. i wrote that period of my life in another online journal, which shut down. i saved all the files on disk, however, but now i seem to have lost that disk. i suppose i will just keep looking. i have so much more to say, but so little time. i will see if i can clear some later.

ilasli
 
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